Don’t Ask Me What I Think of You; I Might Not Give The Answer That You Want Me To

Happy New Year, all. For your resolution this year, how about we all try to improve our behavior at cards shows? With shows sprouting up like mushrooms all over the country, it’s time to go over the basics of how to behave at a card show, because what I’ve seen recently…yipes. On both sides of the table.

I will start with the view from the dealer side of the table:

When you are at a table, the paramount rule to observe is this: do not interfere with the dealer’s business, especially if he is buying from a walk-up. Keep your nose out of it, hold your opinions, and do not try to steal the deal or advise the customer to go somewhere else, unless you want to get thrown out of the show (and maybe get your ass kicked). As Guido the Killer Pimp said in Risky Business, “in times of economic uncertainty, never, ever fuck with another man’s livelihood.” Words to live by. If I turn down a deal, fine, feel free to jump in, but while I am in play, stay out of my way.

A lot of venues sell beer. I get that people enjoy an adult beverage but how about you quaff it (or any other drink you may be drinking) before you come to my table? I have thousands of dollars of inventory for people to look through, and it freaks me out when you are holding an open cup of beer over the table with one hand while you flip through my cards with the other. You gonna write me a four-figure check when you drop your brewski in a basket of 1950s baseball cards? No? Then drink your drink outside the show, or at least set the cup down on the floor between your feet. But don’t set it down on my showcase, duh! And if you finger feed yourself a slice of pizza or some fries, wipe (or even better, wash) your greasy paws afterwards before you handle someone’s merch.

Speaking of showcases, keep your crap off them. A dealer’s display is an offer of items for sale, not a storage area for your convenience, so don’t block a dealer’s cases. Again, just set your bag on the floor between your feet. If you need to use a checklist or something to buy from a dealer, ask first if you can set the list on the case. Odds are the dealer will be fine with it, but the courtesy of asking is not optional.

If you are taking a call and having a long, deep meaningful conversation with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or other, step away from the table. The people at the table don’t need to hear you and your partner’s sexy business, and you make a lot better door than a window, so don’t just stand there blocking a dealer’s table while the two of you gab away. Oh, and if you have a tablet or laptop, please close the porn before you come to the show. One show I was at, someone turned on his tablet and gave everyone at the table a nice flash of his wife’s nasty bits. Now I can’t sit next to her at dinner. You can’t unsee that…

Some common sense when buying cards is always needed and often in short supply.

--I had some guy who wanted to Venmo me two bucks. How about “no”? Who goes to a card show without any cash at all?

--No, I am not breaking a $100 bill for a $1 sale.

--I’ve bitched about this before but here we go again: I am not giving you a discount on a $2 purchase. If you need to haggle over two bucks, you need to go home and reconsider your finances.

--Another peeve I have with buyers is when they pull a stack of stuff and ask me to set it aside for them for later, and they disappear into the show. Most of the time when that happens, I never see the guy again and my inventory sits. This isn’t Sears and I am not doing layaway. Pulling stuff out of my inventory without buying it means someone else doesn’t have a chance to buy it and I don’t make money on it. The proper way to ask me to hold an item is to offer me a deposit to hold the cards for you. That way, if you don’t come back to close the sale, I at least have some compensation for taking my cards out of circulation during the show.

--Don’t bring your toddler or dog to the show, and if you do, control your spawn and your pet. Your little Bevis may be the most precious thing in the world, but don’t let him sticky finger a $2,000 Mantle card. And if he melts down, it is time for you to go. As for your dog, some people are allergic, some are afraid, and if the show is crowded, there isn’t room for your Great Dane in the aisle, so leave Butthead at home.

And now from the buyer’s side:

Dealers, price your stuff! Collectors hate, HATE, waiting around for you to figure out what you want for a card. I pre-price everything I offer for sale. If you are going to be a dealer, be professional about it and do your damn homework. You are going to lose lots of sales, including mine, if you waste buyers’ time.

If you are going to walk around with a backpack or Zion case, learn a little body control and awareness. Pay attention to other collectors around you, especially if you are a big, fat bastard like me. I take off the backpack or pick up the rolling case when I go down a tight aisle. I try to remember that I am not breaking ice in the Antarctic and knocking into and over everyone around me with my luggage as I grind through an aisle like a 250-pound, 6’4” dreadnaught is not going to win me any friends. At least I don’t bring a hard case with me. For those who are lugging the hard cases harboring those precious slabs, watch WTF you do with them. I wear shin guards during load in and load out at shows I work because of an unfortunate accident with a hand-truck at a show that nearly sent me to the urgent care for stitches last summer, and I feel like I should wear them whenever I go down an aisle full of slabheads absentmindedly swinging their giant card collector man-purses as they lean in and out of tables.

This may come as a shock to some of the newbs out there, but there is a level of consideration and politeness towards your fellow show-goers that is expected of you when you are at a table. If a collector is looking through a box it is rude to look at the same row in the box ahead of him. He got there first, so be an adult and let him finish. This has a practical reason, too: every time you pull cards out of that row you lose the other guy’s place. I was a hockey goalie as a kid, and when I had some bozo doing that to me at a show recently, I was seconds away from throwing an elbow to his ribs to clear the crease. A little courtesy is the social lubricant that makes it a community. Don’t behave like you are a Vandal pillaging Rome, show some basic consideration for your fellow collectors.

Please, please, please wash your hands after you use the toilet. I can’t believe I even have to say this but…I will illustrate with an anecdote from my own life. I was set up at the World Boxing HOF show in LA years ago and happened to be in the bathroom when former heavyweight champ Tommy Morrison stepped out of a stall after having his sit and went back to the show to shake more hands and sign autographs WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS. I went back to my table and told everyone I knew “don’t shake hands with The Duke; he doesn’t wash his hands after he drops a deuce.” Just because we are at a card show dressed like ten-year-old boys and playing with toys doesn’t mean we have to behave like ten-year-old boys. We’re better than that, people.

Next time, a column on which fork to use…