Still Trolling The 'bay

Let’s rejoin Marlin and Jim as Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom brings you another episode of eBay trolls in their natural habitats.

After the Price Lice, the second most common type of troll on the ‘bay is the True Collector Troll. I find this troll to be particularly annoying because he is so sanctimonious and such a liar. It is actually quite easy to identify the True Collector Troll because they open every communication by announcing it: “I’m a collector” or more formally: “I’m JUST a collector”.

The True Collector Troll always announces that he collects for the love of it, clean and pure, unsullied by base commerce, unlike the rest of us pimps and whores. The lie, of course, is that the True Collector Troll is every bit as mendacious as the rest of us pimps and whores. His Simon-pure gloss is just a ruse to chisel a discount out of gullible sellers who buy into his BS.

Here’s a good example of the True Collector Troll in action: I found a SSP modern card parallel issue in a junk wax shoebox I bought. I did my research and found that the card, which is pretty hard to find, sells about 3-4 times a year and sells consistently for about $31, raw, more graded. I priced mine at $29 (on modern, if you want it to move, start it a few bucks below the comps). Posted the card one morning around 9 and by noon, I had this nugget in my inbox from a TCT:

"I am interested in this card as I am trying to finish my set I started 30 years ago...I see you have it priced at 29.00 which is probably double what its truly worth. Do you have any room on it for a collector."

“A collector”? As opposed to what, an Airedale? The King of England?

True Collector Trolls, listen up: it doesn’t matter why you want my card because your plans have no influence on the price. Why you want it is a “you” thing, not a “me” thing: I DON’T CARE. I also have to wonder about a “collector” who has been working on a set for thirty years and doesn’t jump all over the card he needs at less than the well-established market price. My reply:

"I admire your doggedness. I've been working on some sets for at least that long too. It's a love-hate: the wanting is more fun than the having. As for the price on the card, please check the comps. The last two sales of this card raw have been $31 (2/16/25) and $31 (12/20/24). The last slabbed one, a 7, sold for $39.99. My price is already below market. That said, I will send you an offer a bit lower."

I sent him a $27 offer, only because I got the card four days earlier and selling it at that price point would finish paying off the entire deal (I'd already sold the rest of the sellable cards from the lot), which I like to do as quickly as I can with every buy to lock in my profit. His reply:

"I hear you but never check comps on 30-year-old cards from junk wax eras especially when his other 1st normal one is 10 bucks"

Now who can argue with that? Not only is it a delicious potpourri of nonsense, but it also shows an attitude about facts that you just cannot reason past. First of all, what kind of modern card collector doesn't check comparable sales? Modern cards are so commoditized that comps are ubiquitous. I have four apps available on my phone to do just that. All I hear at shows from modern card shoppers is “Card Ladder this” and “Wax Stat that”, and at the last show I attended every table had at least a customer or two furiously fingering something at his crotch (oh, get your minds out of the gutter; I mean their phones, checking comps). And what about the "double what it's worth" stuff he threw at me? If that isn't because he checked a comp, then he was throwing 50% of the ask out there just to see how gullible I am. Either way, he’s a liar. Best of all, the base card costs ten bucks? Yeah, that makes sense. If you want a top-end loaded Aston Martin, price out what the base model costs and cite that to the dealer and see what you get. I replied:

"I always check comps; my business is data driven. Sometimes I am unpleasantly surprised, sometimes pleasantly surprised. It so happens that this card consistently sells around $30 raw, so I don't know what else to tell you. the market is what it is. I made you my best offer and hope it will work for you. If not, have a real nice day."

Shortly before the $27 offer expired, the True Collector Troll bought the card. I guess being a True Collector Troll actually means paying a fair price for a card only after your disingenuous lowball efforts fail…but money is not important to you. Riiight…

The Math Troll is the dumb cousin of the Price Lice and the True Collector Trolls and is the simpleton of the troll-verse because he cannot do basic algebra. I had a stack of modern cards that go for about $10 each and sell well. A guy bought a dozen from me over the course of a few months. I thought I had seven left, so I PM’d to ask if he wanted to buy me out. He offered me $65 delivered. I was good with that, so I accepted. I went back to my inventory and counted and discovered that I actually had eight of them. I offered to sell him all 8 for $72, delivered. Crickets…

Question: which is a better deal per unit, 7 at $65 or 8 at $72? I guess he can’t solve that word problem. The answer, of course is 8 at $72. That is $9.00 each. 7 at $65 is $9.29 each. Or, to put it in terms of marginal cost, he offered me $9.29 per and I offered him an additional unit for $7, a 24% discount on the additional item. If I am happy at $9.29 per unit, I am ecstatic to get an additional unit at 24% less…if I can do the math, which makes me a minority in this country, because we Americans have more important stuff to think about besides learning math. As a visiting professor from Europe once blurted out in class: “You Americans, all you care about is sex, shopping and ice cream!” Yes, and?

The Bully Troll. When you run across him you are dealing with the eBay version of the incel who’s pissed off at women because they don’t just fall to the floor and let him do his dirty business whenever he wants. This troll was taught that if you say something as a declarative statement, it will manifest, so say it with as much force as you can, over and over. Just like most bullies, the Bully Troll falls apart when you call out his nonsense. I got an email from some rando on eBay after I sold an expensive card asking for the name of the buyer so he could solicit him to buy his cards. I said no. He aggressively demanded an explanation why not. Wait, you asked me for a favor and when I said no, you demand an explanation? OK, jackhole, you asked for it, but I don't think you're gonna like the explanation:

"Take your pick:

--eBay has a policy against off-site solicitations and sales. If the cards were listed here, the buyer would see them. Therefore, the only reason you want this information is to solicit an off-site transaction in violation of eBay rules. Nothing in that for me except a potential suspension.

--I don't know you; are you trying to get his contact info to go to his house and burglarize it to steal his card? I have no idea.

--The buyer has not given me permission to share his contact information so you can spam him with unsolicited offers. I know I would hate to have that happen with my contact information.

--And I don't want to."

That last one was maybe a bit nasty and gratuitous but messing with Bully Trolls is the quickest way to get rid of them and is fun too. He slunk off and I never heard another word.

The Humiliation Troll is a cousin of the Bully Troll. He just loves to shit-post your card and will give you chapter and verse on why it sucks, but out of the goodness of his heart he will deign to purchase it, at a big discount, of course. This troll lives in his own little world where silly things like facts don’t matter unless they favor his position. I listed some short prints from a vintage baseball set at $100 each and quickly sold all but one. Then a Humiliation Troll popped in to make my day a little bit funner:

“I looked up to see what this card was worth in a PSA price guide and a 5 is worth $40. With that stain there is no way that it would grade above that. I just want it as a set filler for a lower graded set. I would give you $45 for it.”

Gee, thanks for the favor, let me jump all over that. Actually, no, I am going to have to disagree with you a bit on that one. I don’t ‘do’ price guides, I ‘do’ research on actual prices, and I don’t speculate on what the Cheetos and Red Bull bitches at PSA might have to say about a card. And mine ain’t stained. My reply:

“No thanks. BTW, you might want to check the actual comps instead of PSA’s guide. A much worse looking raw one sold here for $79.99.”

Didn’t phase the Humiliation Troll in the slightest:

“Wasn’t aware of that I bought one a while back for $68.00 that looked like this one without the stain.”

Oh, and in the end, the card sold for $100 to someone else. Puny troll, Hulk smash.

The cousin of the Humiliation Troll is the Grinder Troll. This major pain in the ass will negotiate and negotiate and negotiate until you either give him the price he wants or tell him to drop dead. Grinder Trolls presents like Price Lice but soon shed their Price Lice carapaces like Aliens bursting out of someone’s stomach. I listed a tough card for sale. A Grinder Troll PM'd me nine times while the listing was active with a variation of your price is too high and it isn't worth that and kept repeating like a broken record that he wanted to pay "a fair and realistic price" for the card. I kept rejecting his lowball offers. He then got my office # from eBay and started calling and texting me that he wanted to pay "a fair and realistic price."

Now, when you get a Grinder Troll, never engage unless you like wasting time, and whatever you do, don’t ever agree to consider a trade. I made both mistakes. Once I responded, he pestered me like static cling, and when I said I’d consider a trade, the Grinder Troll then offered all sorts of really crappy cards with a few good cards mixed in. When I said I'd do a trade for a certain card, he ignored it and goes back to the 'fair and realistic price' sales speak. I finally gave him a drop-dead last offer. He then goes back to the eBay listing that he did not purchase and starts arguing that I should take $300 less than the eBay listing. He doesn't actually offer to pay that amount, of course.

The reality of a Grinder Troll is that he doesn’t want to pay a ‘fair and realistic’ price, he wants to pay HIS price, and he will keep grinding until you give him what he wants. I finally had to tell him to go away and stop texting me. I guess this sort of relentless grinding works with some sellers, especially the ones who don’t like confrontations, but I refuse to give in to it on principle. I'd rather keep the damn card than validate his way of doing business. I think that “Go piss up a rope” should be said more often in card dealing and in life; maybe that is how we correct bad behavior.

One of my favorites is the Lazy Troll. This one can’t be bothered to actually read the description on the item before shooting off a PM asking the exact question that the description answers. I can’t make this up, so I will just quote the interaction verbatim:

LT: Is this a reprint or an original?

AW: Well, if you’d read the description: “Let me be clear from the outset: I do NOT believe that this is an original ...”

LT: I apologize for not reading the full description.

Full description? Dude, you didn’t even read the first sentence...

Finally, the Karen Troll. Yes, eBay has Karens and while they cannot demand to speak with my supervisor, they can whine, and heaven forbid I make an innocent mistake on a Karen Troll’s order, they will never stop bitching about it even if I offer to make good. I sold a large die-cut trade card. It was a cheap card (under $20) and my listing erroneously described it as 8” tall. The Karen Troll who bought it measured it and came up with 6.5” instead (cue tasteless size doesn’t matter jokes now). Ok, I told her, you don’t like it, send it back for a refund. That’s not the answer the Karen Troll wants, though, oh no. She persists:

“Why didn't you write the truth? That's not fair.”

“Fair”? WTF? I made a mistake and I offered a refund. On what planet is that unfair? That is when I realized I had a Karen Troll. For a Karen Troll, the actual making of a mistake is in and of itself an injustice and must be resolved to her satisfaction, which means prostrating myself and begging forgiveness then doing what she wants. In other words, what a Karen Troll wants is groveling AND reparations. Understanding this, I offered an unctuous apology and a few bucks back as a make-good, the “unfairness” vanished, and she was happy and left positive feedback.

I don’t get the Karen Trolls. Call me lazy, but I don’t have the cognitive energy to bitch my way through life like that, extracting abasement for a few bucks.

Next time on our wild troll safari, we seek out seller trolls.