The Price Lice

When I was a kid I used to watch a show called “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” where the host, Marlin Perkins, would tell the story of some exotic animal every week. I sell on eBay, more and more as I expand my side hustle card business, and there are some…creatures I run across, so I thought I would take a page out of ol’ Marlin’s book and introduce you to the various species of eBay troll. They are all trolls, but just as a mountain troll is different than a river troll, each eBay troll has its own distinguishing characteristics.

The Price Lice are the most common form of eBay troll. You know this type of pest if you sell on eBay, because odds are you encounter them regularly. When an item goes up for auction, the price lice are on it like crabs on a sailor on leave in port, trying to stick their beaks in and solicit a price to end the auction immediately. Now 99% of the time they don’t accept the offer when you name a price, but they always ask. They’re also the sort who will unabashedly say that they are looking for top quality cards at a discount. Yes, and I am looking for something that tastes like bacon and is good for me.

One price louse came to me in the first few hours of an auction asking me to end the auction of a genuinely rare item (one with no comparable sales at all). It was clear to me that someone had trained this troll that the best way to negotiate is not to ever make the first offer. A bad strategy: one of the things I learned in mediation training with the American Arbitration Association is that people who make a first offer close a lot more cases than those who do not. Any good negotiator knows that to get things going you make that first throw-away offer. What you don’t do is stand pat and do nothing.

Since I do not end auctions early when I don’t have a good gauge on the market, when a price louse comes calling on that kind of auction, normally, I just ignore it, but when this guy slithered up to suck some blood, I decided to play. You see, I’d been cooped up at home ill for well over a week with pneumonia and I wanted to have some fun, so I decided engage him but not to give him a number and just see how far along he'd let it get before he made me an offer. Here's our back and forth, which took place in real time over most of a day:

Price Louse: How much to end auction?

Me: What’s your offer?

PL: Your item. What’s your price?

M: Not interested in playing that game.

PL: So you don’t know what you want for the item you’re selling?

M: That’s why I am auctioning it off. No comps.

PL: But you’re willing to accept offers. So you have a price in mind. Otherwise why are you accepting an offer?

M: You have a nice day.

Best of all, while he was screwing around for hours trying not to make me an offer on a rare card he clearly wanted, someone else bid on the card, so he lost his chance to make an offer to end the listing, because once a bid is in, I won’t end the auction. And I blocked him from bidding, too.

Blocking price lice is my special fun twist on things. As pleasant as it is to see frantic PMs from a price louse when he tries to bid and discovers he is locked out, I’m not just manifesting my inner jerk: there is a practical purpose to it, too. Some really bad experiences selling on eBay have taught me that if someone is a pain in the ass before they buy something, best to block them preemptively because I just know they are going to be trouble later if they win. One guy bought a $5 item and sent me bitchy messages about how I better not wait until the end of my handling period to ship or else, so I blocked him preemptively. Of course, that was the one item that went missing in the mail and I heard about it ad nauseum until I refunded it. I actually had one guy come back and ask me why I blocked him. I told him I didn't like his attitude. Boy, did he ever prove he had a bad attitude after that.

Oh, and the card the price louse didn’t offer on, it closed at twice what I would have taken had he made the offer.

There are two morals to this story, one for price lice and one for sellers. For the price lice, don't mess around with something rare when it comes up and you are asked to make an offer, just go for it. Rare stuff doesn’t stick around. And for sellers, when it comes to the rare ones, let the damn auctions run. I would have grossly undersold the item had he made an offer. I made that mistake once before, sold an item to a price louse for less than half of what he got for it a week later on the flip, so I was lucky that this guy was too canny for his own good.

If you really want the price lice to swarm, list a very valuable card for sale. eBay is running a promotion offering 50% off its fees for cards that sell for over $1,000.00. That is a hell of a deal, one that no auctioneer will match, so I decided to take advantage. I posted a very valuable high-profile card for sale. My listing says: “Please don't contact me directly with any offers; the minimum bid or BIN is the least I will take.” Does that deter the price lice? Not in the least. I got a trove of messages anyway within hours of listing the card, so I figured I would give them awards:

The JD Powers Quality Award: "I’m a very qualified buyer!" Uhh, that’s nice but meaningless. I don't need a 'qualified buyer'; everyone on eBay is pre-qualified. Just buy it.

The Jim Rome Cheating Is Trying Award: A photo of a phone number. Reminds me of graffiti on a public restroom stall. Yeah, like I am going to sell a card to some rando off eBay and outside the authenticity guarantee program. Speaking of which, for all the bitching people do about the program, as a seller it is a huge comfort. With all of the stories of seller swindled by thieves who claim to have received an empty box or who switch and return cards, no way am I selling an expensive card on eBay. Not worth the risk. But with the Authenticity Guarantee, I get the card to PSA safely and I am DONE. I don't have to worry about any customer scams. I would never sell a really costly card on eBay otherwise.

The Scum Sucking Bottom Feeder Award: "Consider $15,000?" On a card listed for $45,000? Just go away.

The Don King Bag Of Cash Award: "Hi there! Theoretically what’s your cash price on this guy?!" Theoretically, what I listed it for, numbnuts.

The Psycho Killer Award: "I have cash in hand that I’d rather use than PayPal. Where are you located?" Yeah, I am going to tell a stranger where I am and meet him somewhere with a $45,000 card to exchange for $45,000 in cash. Do I get robbed in the parking lot before or after the sale?

The Real Estate Huckster Award: "Hello, are you flexible on pricing at all?" In Los Angeles real estate dealings, "flexibility" is the catchphrase that the greasiest, sleaziest, most conniving property flippers use when they contact a listing agent to see if they can cheat an old lady out of her house. When I sell my house, I am going to put "no flexibility" into the listing. So, am I flexible? No. But your sister is.

That’s the Price Lice. Join us next time on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom where we visit more exotic eBay trolls.